After our first tryouts in november 2023, a friend came to me and told me that patriarchate can be very difficult for men as well. The pressure they feel to “be a man” is enormous.
She added that in her opinion, the “Women project” should actually be a “Human project”.
That struck a chord. Since the beginning, I have been thinking about bringing together willing individuals to collectively discuss what oppresses genders and puts men and women into boxes, to collectively denounce the stereotypes that harm everyone – the stereotypes around domination and submission, to put it briefly.
When I first pitched my project to Madam Fortuna, I said that, alongside the Women’s Project, there should be a Men’s Project – because the obligation to “be a man” is a terrible sword of Damocles hanging over men as well.
I agree that many men also suffer from social injunctions conveyed by stereotypes of “dominant men” – from James Bond to Donald Trump.
So, I completely agree that we need to place our vision, debates, and dreams well beyond a women’s project, in a human project; in my opinion, the future of an egalitarian society is not specifically gendered; it is based on the place of each individual, the aspirations of each, the talent of each, within a balance that each finds with others. The desire to (well) live together, in joy, fulfillment, respect, is the responsibility of each and all, not only individually but also collectively.
Having said that, I will add that the desire for domination is not specifically masculine, but it is exercised in a world where economic, social, and religious dominance is de facto in the hands of men. In other words, it is easier for a man to realise his dream of domination, because he will have the support of his fellow men. If a woman wants a piece of that pie, she will have to fight a lot harder.
That is patriarchate.
Yes, men die of car accidents al lot more than women because collective imagination pushes them to prove their masculinity by taking risks. Yes, men commit suicide under the pressure of not “being a real man” when they are unemployed.
But first, let us admit that men’s issues are fewer than women’s because, in the end, men hold all dominant positions. A society led by men makes sure that the “top positions” are occupied by masculine figures – in economy, in religion, in politics, in education, in media. A male dominant society decides on intimate issues like physical, sexual, and mental integrity of women – Circumcision is NOT the same as Female Genital Mutilation. No modern society is accepting male castration in the name of culture or traditions. Why is women’s castration accepted, then?
In short, maybe some men will kill themselves trying or failing to prove they are men “enough”, or they will die trying, but they are not killed by women. Women do not dispose of men thinking they own them. Men do that. 5,6 women are killed per hour – killed by men who think this is a way to show they are “man enough”.
Let’s take the example of Blacks in the USA – segregation has been officially prohibited since the 1960s – Blacks are theoretically equal to Whites. Is this a fact in the USA? No. The discrimination they face (subtle, daily, in the street, in the workplace, in movies, in advertising, in politics, in representation, in statistics on prisons, etc.), the entrenched stereotypes, mean they still cannot be considered – nor consider themselves – equal to Whites.
In my eyes, for women, it’s the same. From discreet to terrifying, depending on the country and the subject, women’s discrimination is universal, and power belongs to men.
There are three abused women in the group, and one whose sister was murdered by her ex-boyfriend a week after she had left him. One was circumcised to be ‘sold for a higher price’ to a husband. One whose younger sister was raped at the end-of-year school party – she feels (and is considered) partly responsible because she had been drinking. These women first need recognition that the dominant position given to men in all societies is responsible for their pain, trauma, and these appalling personal tragedies. Afterward, we can talk about what patriarchy does to men. And at the same time or just after discussing it, we can talk about holding power together – no longer by distributing it by gender but by distributing it by human quality. And power should be taken in the noble sense of the term (power = I can, I am capable of).
For me, the crucial point in women’s movements is that they also want to change the patriarchal society but definitely not for a matriarchal society. They do not oppose universal female power to universal male power. In feminist movements, there is no violence, no power struggle, no domination struggle. They want true equality. They demand that men abandon their desire for domination. But faced with a religious zealot who uses God to oppress his wife and daughters to a Donald Trump who relies on his social status to belittle any woman trying to leave the kitchen, how can they be heard? And, between the zealot and Trump, which one will agree to give up their dominant position?
That the need to ‘be a real man,’ to occupy a dominant place, comes from patriarchy, and when a man can’t achieve it, he suffers greatly, is one aspect of the debate. But first, let’s put everything into perspective: men kill women who are ‘not woman enough,’ whereas women do not kill men who are ‘not man enough.’ There is no mutilation to keep a man ‘in his place’; men have control over their bodies (Viagra to be performative in addition to sperm production) without any hindrance or social reflection, while we should subject abortion and even contraception to public debate and accept deafening oppositions. The true sexual freedom of women, the image of women, women’s free will over their bodies, all of this is enclosed in something larger than patriarchy, which also hurts men – patriarchy is a true system of male domination over women, and it finds justifications in religion, culture, politics, and economics. And these justifications always favor men. Against 1000 direct perverse effects of patriarchy on women, we find 3 indirect effects on men (I say this completely randomly, but you understand the idea!). Let all of us, men and women, start by acknowledging this. Afterward, we can talk about the damage that the side effects of patriarchy do to men.
What worries me if we admit the suffering of (some) men due to patriarchate, and use that suffering to place them as equal as women in the debate, is that we are heading towards a form of debate where we will be forced to give voice to men who suffer from patriarchy to free other men who suffer from it.
If we do that, as usual, men will seize the subject, unite, and turn the tables – as with all major society changes, as with all revolutions, as with all wars, as with everything that has made human history: men think, discuss, decide, and implement a new system. Women are always in vast majority excluded from the thinking and implementing processes.
Let’s find another meaning to the word society, let’s leave the floor and a new freedom of reflexion and action essentially to women, so that they propose and bring about a change – change that is also beneficial to men!